The color yellow ...

For those who have struggled through the grip of regret following an abortion ... this may be very familiar to you. A trigger, something that reminds you of that decision you made. Something then invokes feelings of pain and despair.

For me it is the color yellow.

To this day I cannot stand being in a yellow room. Yellow. A otherwise cheery, fun, summery color ... suppose to invoke uplifting feelings and thoughts, has been forever tainted by my past painful memories. At the clinic where I chose to end life so many years ago yellow was the 'recovery room'. A room they called their 'yellow room' painted bright yellow like the sunshine with 4 dark green cots lined up along the walls. Each bed had a conveniently placed plastic bin next to it in event someone threw up. I wonder how many did. The beds were stiff and cot like. The pillow were the little cotton gauze airplane pillows. Nothing about the make shift beds screamed comfort. Yet this is where one went to lie for 30 minutes following the procedure. Lying in the painful place where one was left alone with only their thoughts. Mine swirled around sadness, mourning and regret. Each time at least one other person was in the room lying with me. Though no words were ever spoken. Shame painted all over our faces as tears streamed down our faces.

... They called it recovery, yet nothing was further from the truth.

My Surrogacy Journey

Healing can come in many forms.

It was 2009 when I welcomed another girl into the world. Only 14 months after the birth of our youngest. Yet this angel was a miracle in a whole different way. She was a surrogate baby for a couple unable to have children of their own. That day in November 2009 another piece of healing fell into place.

With a broken heart I watched my younger sister battle infertility for many years. I felt 'guilty' pregnant with my first and even more full of guilt considering the decisions I made to abort my children only a few years prior. My heart grieved for her and the loss she felt. After years and numerous fertility treatments, my niece was conceived. To be born in April of 2008. Thankful, grateful and peaceful.

Through the struggles of my sister my heart was led to surrogacy. God opened my eyes to women across the globe struggling to conceive, so many of them, so much hurt. My guilt was replaced with my desire to help. My first surrogacy journey was amazing, uplifting and truly a miracle in every sense. To see the eyes of the mother in the OR with me for delivery when she saw her child for the first time was a sight I will never forget. Truly amazing, truly moving. It was not long into my first surrogacy I felt convinced at some point in time to carry one last child for a couple longing for a miracle. 

Typing this I am 14 weeks pregnant today with not one but 2 amazing little miracles of life. Somehow in my mind the birth of 3 surrogate children to provide a instant family to grieving souls wishing and praying to become parents has helped to heal a deep rooted pain. It was 3 lives I selfishly took so many years ago and 3 lives I will have brought into existence (God willing) so many years later. In the eyes of our Savior, my sins have already been washed clean. No good works or acts guarantee my salvation, for accepting Him into my life has already sealed my fate to be with Him. What my surrogacy journeys have done is offer inner peace to my hurting soul. To bring comfort to others hurting. To show the love of God to another. And to add just another small piece of healing to my wounds.

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. -Psalm 127:3

"The Song" ...

Then it happened ... I heard this song for probably the 20th time, but this time it spoke to me. I felt God using this song to describe my testimony. I listened as each word flooded my heart and I knew it was time to share, time to start this blog, and time to finally surrender.

Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time for healing ...
XOXO

My heart breaks ...

Abortion is a controversial subject, bottom line, no way around it.

Women (and men) passionately argue on each side of the fence, ultimately creating hate and divide. I read approx 43% of women in the US have had at least one abortion by the age of 45. That means half of the women you know, half of the readers of this blog are suffering the same emotional distress which plagued me for so many lifeless years. 

My heart breaks into pieces. I have dealt with suffering, despair, depression, suicidal thoughts, nightmares, guilt, paranoia ... all of it. It is my prayer that those who have gone through this pain will find healing in the word and promises of the Lord. And those who are considering abortion as their only option, will explore their hearts and pray for the strength to do what is right. The grave consequences do not end at the procedure, you will be haunted for quite some time before healing begins. I have lived through the hell. I took the lives of 3 innocent children and it has taken nearly 10 years for me to even be able to begin talking about my decisions.

Has my past been completely washed away in the eyes of the Lord? Yes. He has promised to cast our sins as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12 NIV as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.) But the unfortunate reality is I am still a human and the memories of my past cannot be washed away from my mind. I am not sharing my story to say I do not have bad times, days, or weeks. But I can say there is HOPE and because of that hope, love and forgiveness, I can share my testimony in the hope it can help another!

Please take a moment to look around at the pages above to learn more about my journey. I pray it can help you move into the healing stage. Or at least offer some insight into the mind of someone who has been there. I offer the truth about my life and the truth about the love of God.

And so it begins ...

It's Time for Healing ...

I truly start this blog with tears in my eyes and it simply does not get any more real then that. Of all those I know and in particular those closest to me, I can count on one hand the people who know the true extent of my past ...

I live in a county with one of the highest number of churches in the United States. We have no abortion clinics in this county. There are Mennonites, Amish and just about every other form of believer here. When meeting a person for the first time one of the most common questions asked is "what church do you attend" ... it is not IF but where. Yes this here is God's country.

So I write this with a heavy heart as the majority of my friends in this area (all but 2) are unaware of my past. They see me as "one of them" a believer, a sister in Christ, a redeemed soul. But they do not know the prior me. I struggle with whether that truly even matters? What would they say? What would they think? How would they react? I do not know. It is frightening yes...but we are ALL sinners saved by grace and the loving and just God we serve does not 'rank' sins. So would they still accept me? They are my sisters in Christ and without a doubt I can confidently say the answer is yes.

Where I come from, while only a few states away ... might as well be another planet. I grew up knowing virtually no one who went to church. No one talked about God, about Jesus, about the love from above, about redemption, about being saved ... none of it. Sure there was church. My mom would drag my sister and I every now and again on a Sunday to a Catholic church which for me meant being forced to 'sit still' and 'be quiet' for an hour and a half. To this day I could not tell you a thing that was said, though I do remember saying the Lord's Prayer every time. We received communion though I had no idea why at least I was able to move from the pew for a couple minutes which made me happy. You get the idea.

I sit here typing this with God filling my heart. For quite some time I have felt the itch to share my story with others. I would question God on this feeling as I have never considered myself a writer or someone with the knowledge of the Gospel equipped to share it with anyone. Yet I still felt God telling me ... this needs to be heard, move now.

So there I sat in church this past Sunday. A wonderful message about serving others and the fact that faith is dead without works. A tinge in my heart started to light a fire. The pastor discussed how Jesus took the most unexpected, sometimes least educated, as disciples to share His news. That no matter what season in life we MUST serve Him in order to truly be filled with Christ. And then the pastor mentioned an agency near and dear to my heart ... one which talks to teens and women contemplating abortion. BAM a light bulb moment happened. I came home and applied to volunteer immediately as a counselor. No more excuses, no more reasons to shy away ... it is MY time to share my story.

And so it begins ....