The color yellow ...

For those who have struggled through the grip of regret following an abortion ... this may be very familiar to you. A trigger, something that reminds you of that decision you made. Something then invokes feelings of pain and despair.

For me it is the color yellow.

To this day I cannot stand being in a yellow room. Yellow. A otherwise cheery, fun, summery color ... suppose to invoke uplifting feelings and thoughts, has been forever tainted by my past painful memories. At the clinic where I chose to end life so many years ago yellow was the 'recovery room'. A room they called their 'yellow room' painted bright yellow like the sunshine with 4 dark green cots lined up along the walls. Each bed had a conveniently placed plastic bin next to it in event someone threw up. I wonder how many did. The beds were stiff and cot like. The pillow were the little cotton gauze airplane pillows. Nothing about the make shift beds screamed comfort. Yet this is where one went to lie for 30 minutes following the procedure. Lying in the painful place where one was left alone with only their thoughts. Mine swirled around sadness, mourning and regret. Each time at least one other person was in the room lying with me. Though no words were ever spoken. Shame painted all over our faces as tears streamed down our faces.

... They called it recovery, yet nothing was further from the truth.